If you’re caring for someone with dementia and dealing with bathroom accidents, you already know this is one of the hardest parts. Not just the accidents themselves, but the moment right before them, when you ask “Do you need to go to the bathroom?” and they say no. Every single time.
Let me explain why that question almost never works, and give you 10 phrases you can use instead.
Why “No” Is Almost Always the Answer
Your person with dementia isn’t ignoring you. Their brain is losing the ability to manage the entire process of going to the bathroom.
In a healthy brain, you get a gradual signal. “Hey, find a bathroom soon.” With dementia, that signal comes late, all at once, or not at all. And even if they do feel something, answering your question requires a whole chain of steps. They have to recognize the feeling, understand what you asked, make a decision, and form a response.
That’s a lot to ask of a brain working against itself.
So “no” is the easiest answer. It almost always will be.
That’s why asking stops working. And that’s why redirection works so much better.
What Redirection Actually Looks Like
Redirection isn’t trickery. It’s meeting your person where they are.
Instead of putting the decision on them, you give them a reason to go into the bathroom that has nothing to do with needing the bathroom. You make it feel normal. Natural. Even enjoyable.
Here are 10 gentle phrases you can use to get your person into the bathroom without asking, arguing, or nagging.
1. “I want to show you this new smell of cologne or perfume.”
Curiosity is a powerful motivator. A new scent gives them a reason to come with you that feels interesting, not clinical.
2. “Let’s check your lipstick. I think it needs a little touch up.”
This one works beautifully for women who took pride in their appearance. It feels like care, not a task.
3. “Could you help me fix the sink? I need your opinion.”
Asking for their help taps into their identity. They feel needed. They feel capable. That’s powerful.
4. “I have to show you something in here real quick.”
Simple. Curious. No pressure. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
5. “Let’s take a mirror selfie!”
This one surprises people, but it works. It’s playful, it’s fun, and it gets them up and moving without any resistance.
6. “I need your help picking out a hand towel.”
Another small moment of purpose. They’re contributing. They’re helpful. And they’re already in the bathroom.
7. “I want to show you this new lotion.”
Something to smell, something to feel. Sensory experiences often bypass resistance in a way that words simply can’t.
8. “Let’s see if your glasses are clean.”
A small, specific task they can accomplish. It feels manageable, and it gets them where they need to be.
9. “Let’s fix your hair really quick. I need your opinion.”
Bringing them in as the decision maker changes everything. They’re not being led. They’re being consulted.
10. “Help me make this place sparkle!”
This one taps into purpose and pride. For someone who always kept a tidy home, this can feel completely natural.
The key with all of these is that they feel calm, respectful, and genuine. You’re not tricking your person. You’re giving them a way to move forward without the pressure of a decision they can’t easily make.
Try a few. See which one clicks. And remember, what works today might need to shift next week. That’s okay. You’re paying attention, and that matters more than getting it perfect.
And When Accidents Happen Anyway
Even with the best redirection strategies, accidents are part of this journey. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re caring for someone whose body is changing, and part of meeting them where they are is having the right products in place when you need them.
That’s why the brief you use matters more than most people realize.
After 20 years in dementia care, in memory care communities and in family homes, I’ve seen firsthand what a difference the right brief makes. Not just for comfort, but for skin protection, dignity, and honestly for your stress level too. The one I use and recommend is LivDry Protective Underwear. Here’s what sets them apart:
- They fit well and feel like real underwear. That matters more than you’d think. When a brief feels comfortable and not stiff or crinkly, your person is far less likely to resist wearing it.
- They protect skin. This is the one I care most about. Skin breakdown happens fast, and it is one of the most painful and preventable complications in incontinence care. A good brief is your first line of defense.
- They hold up. You need a brief that does its job. LivDry doesn’t let you down.
When the product actually works, you spend less time managing accidents and more time just being with your person.
You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone
Bathroom care is one of the most physically and emotionally demanding parts of this journey. But small changes in how you approach it make a real difference.
You’re already doing the hard part. You’re showing up every day.
If you want the link to the LivDry brief I use and recommend, shop here. And if this helped, save it and share it with someone who needs it today.
Joanna LaFleur is a dementia care expert, educator, and the CEO and Founder of the Memory Lane Foundation. Follow her on TikTok @joanna.dementia.e and Facebook @joannalafleur for daily caregiving tips and real talk about life with dementia.
This post is sponsored by LivDry. All opinions are my own. I only recommend products I trust and would use with my own caregiving families.
I love reading all your tips/tricks. I really think hard before I make comments to my mom. Thanks for sending your emails.
Nancy