“Where’s my husband?”
He’s been gone for eleven years. She’s asked four times today. And every time you tell her the truth, she loses him all over again: the shock, the tears, the grief, fresh as the day it happened.
So let me ask you something. Is “He died in 2015” honesty? Or is it just cruelty with a clear conscience?
💬 You’re not lying. You’re using a kindlet.
I recently heard the term “kindlet” from Sheli Monacchio, and it’s the perfect word for something I’ve taught for years: small, kind untruths that protect your person with dementia’s heart when their brain can no longer handle the facts.
Here’s why they work. Dementia takes away the ability to store new information and process hard truths. The pain lands, but the explanation evaporates. So repeating a hard truth isn’t honesty. It’s putting them through the worst day of their life on a loop.
Their reality has shifted. In their world it might be 1975 and their husband is at work. When you join their reality instead of dragging them into yours, you’re not deceiving them. You’re speaking their language.
🎯 What a kindlet sounds like
- “Where’s my husband?” Instead of “He died eleven years ago,” try: “He’s not here right now. Tell me how you two met, I love that story.”
- “I need to go home.” Instead of “This IS your home,” try: “We’ll head that way a little later. Let’s have a snack first.”
- “I have to get to work.” Instead of “You retired twenty years ago,” try: “The office is closed today. You’ve got the day off, lucky you.”
- “When is my mother coming?” Instead of “She’s been gone for decades,” try: “She’s not coming today. What was she like? Was she a good cook?”
Each kindlet answers the worry, dodges the wrecking ball, and opens a door to connection.
⚠️ One big caveat: kindlets don’t work for everyone
Kindlets only work when short-term memory is truly gone. That’s what lets them land softly and fade.
That means they fit the Alzheimer’s type of dementia, and the later stages of some of the other dementias. If your person still has short-term memory, like in the earlier stages of vascular or Lewy body dementia, a kindlet can backfire. They’ll remember you said “we’ll go later,” and when later never comes, you’ve traded five minutes of peace for their trust.
Quick test before you use one: will they remember this in an hour? If yes, skip the kindlet and lean on honest comfort and redirection instead.
🛠️ The kindlet rules
- It must protect them, not just make things easier for you.
- Keep it small and simple. Elaborate stories collapse and cause confusion.
- Redirect right after. A kindlet plus a snack, a story, or a task beats a kindlet alone.
- Get the family on the same page so Mom isn’t hearing three versions of reality.
- In a calm, lucid moment when they truly want the answer, you can gently tell the truth. Kindlets are for the moments truth can only wound.
💜 My Take
You were raised not to lie, especially not to your own mother. But honesty is supposed to serve the other person, and when their brain could process facts, it did. Now it just hurts them, over and over, with zero benefit. The kind thing changed, so your words get to change too. Choosing peace over facts for someone whose brain is broken isn’t a character flaw. It’s advanced-level love.
Want to learn more?
Kindlets are one tool in a whole toolbox of dementia communication, and knowing when to use each one is where the magic happens.
💜 Joanna