💔 Grieving Someone Who’s Still Here: Understanding Living Grief

“I feel like I’ve already lost them… but they’re still right here.”

If you’ve ever said this—or even just felt it—you’re not alone. Caring for someone with dementia comes with a unique kind of pain: grieving a person who’s still alive.

This experience is called living grief, or ambiguous loss, and it’s something almost every caregiver goes through—but most don’t have a name for.

And when you can’t name it, it’s easy to feel confused, numb, guilty, or totally overwhelmed.

💬 What is living grief?

Living grief is what happens when the relationship you used to have slowly slips away, even though your person is still physically present.

It shows up when:

• They forget your name
• Their personality changes
• They can’t share memories with you anymore
• You stop doing things you used to love together
• You start saying goodbye, one piece at a time

It’s the ache of losing your person before you actually lose them.

😔 Why does it hit so hard?

Because it’s constant.
Unlike traditional grief that comes after a death, living grief is ongoing.
You might find yourself re-grieving the same moment over and over again. Or mourning something small—like a forgotten birthday, a conversation that didn’t make sense, or realizing they can no longer say “I love you” in the way they used to.

And yet… the world keeps expecting you to keep it together.
To keep caregiving.
To keep showing up.

It’s exhausting—and it’s valid.

🧠 What living grief is not:

• It’s not selfish
• It’s not giving up
• It’s not a sign you don’t love your person

Feeling grief doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’re human.

💜 So, what do we do with this kind of grief?

We name it.
We honor it.
And we find ways to support ourselves, even in the middle of caregiving chaos.

Here are a few starting points:

✅ Give yourself permission to feel it
✅ Journal or voice-note what you’re grieving—big or small
✅ Talk to someone who gets it (support group, therapist, friend)
✅ Create new moments of joy, even in the now
✅ Know that sadness and love can coexist

🌱 My Take

As someone who’s supported hundreds of caregivers—and walked this grief myself—I want to tell you this:

You are not broken. You are grieving.
You can miss the version of your person that’s gone, while still loving the version that’s here.
Both are true. Both are sacred.

🧾 Want more on this topic?

→ Download my PDF guide Grief & Dementia: Finding Hope in Option B
→ Purchase my video course Grief & Dementia: Finding Hope in Option B
→ Explore my Caregiver Boot Camp for practical support + community