If you’re caring for someone with dementia and dealing with accidents, you already know — incontinence is one of the hardest parts. Not just the cleanup, but getting your person with dementia to actually wear protective underwear in the first place.
Let me break down why the accidents are happening and four techniques I use to get someone into briefs without turning it into a battle.
Why the Accidents Are Happening
Your person with dementia isn’t having accidents because they don’t care or aren’t trying. Their brain is losing the ability to manage the entire process of going to the bathroom.
In a healthy brain, you get a gradual signal: “Hey, find a bathroom soon.” With dementia, that signal comes late, all at once, or not at all. One second they’re fine. The next second it’s an emergency. The brain fires “go to the bathroom urgently” and the body responds before they can do anything about it.
On top of that, they may not recognize the sensation of a full bladder anymore. They might feel uncomfortable but not connect it to needing the bathroom. Even if they do feel the urge, finding the bathroom, managing their clothing, and sitting down requires sequencing that dementia takes away. They might walk into the wrong room or stand in the bathroom and not know what to do next.
Once you understand this, you stop asking “why won’t they just go?” and start asking “how do I set them up for success?” (For another area where this kind of setup matters, see my 10 must-know showering tips for dementia care.)
4 Techniques to Get Your Person with Dementia Into Briefs
1. Ask Them to Help You by Trying Them On
This one works because it takes the focus off them. Instead of saying “you need to wear these,” you flip it. Say something like “Hey, can you do me a favor? I need to recommend these to someone and I want to make sure they’re comfortable. Can you try them on for me and tell me what you think?” Now they’re doing you a favor instead of being told what to do. It completely changes the dynamic.
2. Put Their Underwear On Over the Brief
If your person flat-out refuses to wear “those things,” don’t fight it. Put the brief on first and then pull their regular underwear right over the top. They see their familiar underwear, they feel normal, and you still have the protection underneath. Problem solved without a power struggle.
3. Give Them a Fun Name and Normalize It
Call them something playful like “fancy pants.” When you make it lighthearted and fun, it takes the shame out of it. You can also normalize it by saying something like “these happen to all of us” or “a lot of people wear these, it’s no big deal.” Shame is the number one reason people resist briefs. Remove the shame and you remove the resistance. (This is the same principle behind the art of redirection — you’re not arguing with the disease, you’re working with it.)
4. Swap Out Their Drawer and Make Up an Excuse
When nothing else works, this is your backup plan. Remove all their regular underwear from the drawer and replace it with briefs. When they go to get dressed, the briefs are the only option. If they ask, you say something like “Oh, the dryer ruined your other ones. I’m going to get you more, but in the meantime just use these.”
Why I Use LivDry (and Why It Matters Which Brief You Choose)
The techniques above work a lot better when the product you’re using actually does its job. If the brief leaks, feels bulky, or is uncomfortable, your person is going to fight wearing it no matter what technique you use.
That’s why I recommend LivDry Protective Underwear. Here’s what sets them apart:
- They hold up to 70 ounces of liquid overnight. That’s massive. For caregivers dealing with heavy nighttime incontinence, this means you’re not waking up at 2 a.m. to change sheets and clothing. You both actually get to sleep.
- Barrier leg cuffs prevent leaks. The built-in cuffs create a seal around the legs so nothing escapes, even for side sleepers or people who move around a lot at night.
- They’re soft and feel like real underwear. This matters for technique #2 especially. When the brief feels comfortable and not stiff or crinkly, your person is less likely to pull it off or resist wearing it.
- They work for both women and men. One product, no guessing. It simplifies your shopping and your life.
When the product actually works, you spend less time managing accidents and more time just being with your person.
Try LivDry Overnight Protective Underwear here.
The Bottom Line
Caregiving doesn’t come with a manual, but if it did, the incontinence chapter would be dog-eared, coffee-stained, and highlighted on every page. This is the stuff nobody warns you about, and yet here you are, figuring it out anyway.
Now you’ve got four techniques in your back pocket and a product that can hold 70 ounces overnight without flinching. That’s not just a game plan. That’s peace of mind.
Let’s be real — this might literally be the crappiest job you’ll ever have. But every time you handle it with grace (even when grace looks like telling a little white lie about the dryer), you’re proving that caregiving isn’t for the faint of heart. And neither are you. You’ve got this.
This post is sponsored by LivDry. All opinions are my own. I only recommend products I trust and would use with my own caregiving families.
Joanna LaFleur is a dementia care expert, educator, and the CEO and Founder of the Memory Lane Foundation. Follow her on TikTok @joanna.dementia.e and Facebook @joannalafleur for daily caregiving tips and real talk about life with dementia.